The Fantabulous Scout-itorian, Ferdinand Gustiov - by Jared Hardy

For my little sister, Allison. A story to keep you company.

Story 2 of 2

Ferdinand Gustiov is a pig. That is to say, he's not a man with piggish features or demeanor, but he himself is literally a pig. The disgusting animal that slops around in the mud and eats slop out of trough that isn't washed more than twice in any particular pigs lifetime. Yes, Ferdinand was indeed one of these most foul of creatures. But Ferdinand was perhaps the least-foul, least-disgusting, most charming pig that ever existed. If such a claim were to be made of any pig, Ferdinand Gustiov would be that pig.

It has long been accepted, by modern science, that pigs have one of the most amazing noses on earth. A dogs nose is particularly good at sniffing things, but they also don't mind sniffing each other's rumps, and therefore haven't the capacity to be disgusted by smells like they should be. Aardvarks have amazing noses, because they are so elongated that they can plunge it deep into ant hills to catch their meals. These, also, are less impressive than pigs because the nose itself is of little use; they use their tongues to actually fetch out whatever ants are around. Yes, the pig has an amazing nose, because a well trained pig can sniff out some of the finest, most scrumptious meals in the world. A pig like, Ferdinand Gustiov for example, could sniff around the ground using his marvelous nose and find you the delicious treat that is commonly known as the truffle.

The truffle, for you whom are peasants (and lucky enough to know how to read), a truffle is a group of mushrooms that are used sparingly in cooking. They're often thinly sliced and placed within meats or the skins of fowl, or even inserted into stuffing. You can even steal the taste with oil and use the oil to enjoy the flavor. But it's delicious, yet pungent, taste is not the most intriguing use of the truffle; it is the fact that it is an aphrodisiac, that adds the intrigue.

Ferdinand Gustiov was owned, since he was just a little piglet, by Yoplat Von Hauffer. He was trained (as if that were necessary) to fetch truffles for Yoplat in an attempt to make himself appear wealthy. Ferdinand Truffle-de-duffler Gustiov was the best there ever was. He flew right up the ranks of truffle scouting. He blew through Noseitorian; he squashed Longgrounditian, and hopped right over Magnetor and into the most prized position of Scout-itorian. And that's when things when badly for Ferdinand. His quick rise through the ranks brought with him a certain celebrity that would appear to be a good thing. But his celebrity caught the eye of the not-as-nice-as-she-should-be Queen Peruviov. She was not only not-as-nice-as-she-should-be, but she was also not-as-pretty-as-you-would-expect, considering Queens are generally quite pretty. Because of this unfortunate face, she was single, childless, and above all desperate for any means by which to gain a husband and child(ren). When she heard of Ferdinand Gustiov, she knew right away that he was the key to her woes.

Ferdinand was purchased from Yoplat by Queen Peruviov and he was immediatley set to work. Ferdinand slaved day and night, night and day, sniffing and snuffing until his sniffer couldn't snuff another truffle. The truffles began piling up, and sooner rather than later the Queen had a large stockpile of truffles. She called upon her alchemist and he, too, was set to work day and night. A fortnight later the alchemist presented a small vile to Queen Peruviov. It was labeld, "Essence of Truffle," and included instructions. She was to put one drop of this liquid on any given meal, and whoever ate it would fall madly in love with her.

Obviously, the Queen's plan was in full swing. The only real problem was her evil nature. She now had the opportunity to get her man and child(ren), but when presented with this fact, she realized that she needn't look merely to a family. She could, essentially, produce plans to take over the world. Queen Peruviov quickly called for an assembly with Europe's most wealthy and powerful people. They joined her at a dinner, and their plates were all given a drop from the wicked vile.

Ferdinand, although deathly tired from all of his scouting, was still around. He was around when the alchemist made the vile, and he was around when the wealthy men began showing up. More importantly, however, he was around when these truffles had all been assembled in a pile. The nose of a pig, particularly the nose of Ferdinand Gustiov, is an amazing thing. Ferdinand knew the powers of the truffle, and he certainly knew that this meant big trouble when powerful men began showing up in the banquet hall. So Ferdinand decided to go back to his most trusted of weapons: his nose.

Ferdinand scuttled to the kitchen and began devouring every morsel of food in the kitchen (since the dinner plates had not yet been served) so that every last drop of the Essence of Truffle resided in his stomach. And then he saw the queen, and fell madly in love with her. He had never been overcome with so much love and admiration. He sprinted full speed towards her. Blinded by love, he ran face first into the leg of the dining table, snapping his neck and killing him instantly. The death of Ferdinand Gustiov killed the last of the Essence of Truffle, the only pig good enough at scouting to form such a potion, and the chances for Queen Peruviov to both have a family and rule the world. Ferdinand is looked upon, to this day, as a martyr. There is a statue of him, scouting, in the courtyard of Mt. Viviconiad.

And thus ends the Tale of The Fantabulous Scout-itorian, Ferdinand Gustiov. I hope you enjoyed it.
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